


Strength

by C_plus



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki is a dick, Reader Has Issues, Reader is an empath, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, but he comes around, in the past, it helped me, or maybe, so maybe it'll help someone else, what even are tags, wrote this years ago when I was having problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 23:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C_plus/pseuds/C_plus
Summary: In which Loki learns some new concepts and Y/N's strength is finally recognized.





	Strength

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Reader had severe depression and takes medicine for it. Loki is cruel toward the reader. There is a reference to a past suicide attempt, but nothing in detail. Read at your own risk, and take care of yourselves.

You had a routine when you were waking up. It wasn’t something that anyone knew about, and it definitely wasn’t a ‘normal’ morning routine, but you couldn’t seem to shake it. You’d take a few moments after your alarm woke you up, but before getting out of bed, to take note of yourself and your mind that day. Sometimes you were able to get out of bed on time and go on with your day. And then there were times like this, when your limbs felt heavy and your brain sluggish, when it didn’t matter how hard you tried, you still couldn’t find the energy to move more than it took to turn off the alarm. Even that could be a struggle. When these kinds of days came along, you’d drift in and out of sleep until someone came to get you or your stomach or bladder forced you out of bed. You were quiet normally, except for occasionally when your teammates managed to make you laugh or distract you from your own mind, but on these bad days you became practically non-verbal, fading into the background, nodding, shaking your head, or mumbling short and intelligible answers when asked questions. You didn’t smile, didn’t frown, didn’t show any hint of strong emotion at anything; it was just too much work. Sometimes you’d slip away, usually to the bathroom, to let some tears escape before forcing yourself back into the company of others. Some days you never left your quarters at all.  
The Avengers each had their demons, and it was an open secret that you suffered from depression. Anyone who had looked at your file would find your medical history, doctors notes, and prescriptions that only seem to do so much, all printed clearly in black and white, but some days it was written in everything that you did. You had been approached twice about it when you first joined the team. You understood why Fury asked you to his office to ensure that it wouldn’t be a problem and that you would alert him or one of the team leaders if it became bad enough to put you or the team in danger. You also appreciated when Captain Rogers had pulled you aside on your first day to let you know that you could talk to anyone on the team about anything you needed to; they were there for you. It was nice to have people looking out for you, even if you sometimes resented the way they seemed to constantly check up on you when it was a bad day. But no one forced you to talk about it, and no one blinked twice when you snuck into whichever room they were in when you didn’t trust yourself to be alone.  
You supposed it went with the territory of being an empath. Being constantly bombarded with other people’s emotions was exhausting, and negative emotions tended to be the strongest. It had taken years to learn to control your powers, but your ability made you useful, particularly when it came to espionage. You weren’t on the first response team when a fight broke out; instead, you were kept well away from any violence and was only brought in when the team needed to control or question a prisoner.

That was how you first met Loki. After he had been arrested and brought to S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters, Fury brought you in to act as a lie detector while they interrogated the God of Lies. His silver tongue seemed to have no effect on you because you could sense the underlying emotions in each of his answers. That infuriated him to no end. By the time he was sent back to Asgard to be tried for his crimes, every look he shot at you was filled with even more hatred than those he directed at his adopted brother. Understandably, when Loki was returned to Earth two years later to join the Avengers and serve humanity as part of his penance, neither of you was happy to be in the other’s presence. You learned to live with him because you had to and because you didn’t want to continue getting into arguments with the god, and Loki never caused you physical harm, but that was as close as the two of you got. He would constantly spit insults at you, as he did with everyone, only as time went on his insults to all of the others mellowed but the ones toward you only became more and more sharp. You refused to respond, and even agreed with some of his comments, but that didn’t stop them.  
“Oh, look, the useless one is here,” he’d say when you entered a room, “I don’t know why they keep you around. After all, you’re nothing compared to the real Avengers.”  
“Good morning to you too, Loki,” you’d mutter, on the days when you felt charitable enough to recognize his presence. Other times you’d just start your tea and ignore him.  
“You’re wasting your time,” he’d tell Sam when the other tried again to set you up on a blind date, “Y/N couldn’t get a partner even if they wanted to. Any potential suitors would take one look and run away screaming.”  
“Thanks, Sam, but I’m just too busy for dating right now,” you’d tell your friend, “Now come on, we’ll be late for training.”  
Every time Loki said something rude to you, your teammates would jump to your defense, denying that what he said was true or shooting him dirty looks. Natasha had even approached you once, pushing you to fight back and not let Loki bully you. You’d responded that you knew he only said it to rile you up and that you didn’t really care what he said one way or another. She hadn’t seemed to completely believe you but hadn’t pushed.  
So every time Loki insulted you, you pretended to ignore it. You tried not to let on that you felt every single verbal blow that Loki threw. He didn’t need to know that all of his comments would follow you around all day, or that the little self-deprecating voice in your head had started to sound like him. He definitely didn’t need to know that you would cry yourself to sleep after days when he’d been especially cruel. The flip side of your powers was that you could project your emotions onto others, and you’d been practicing at keeping your feelings inside for so long that it didn’t take much to pretend to ignore Loki.

One afternoon, after you’d finally dragged yourself out of bed, you wandered into the common area to find a note from the team telling you that they’d been called out and wouldn’t be back until late that night. You’d just set the note down and gone to grab some left-over Thai food when Loki’s voice drifted from the sitting room.  
“It seems they really don’t need you after all, doesn’t it?”  
“Seems like,” you whispered, not having the energy or will to raise your voice.  
“So you agree,” Loki commented, “What is that Midgardian expression? The first step is admitting that you have a problem?”  
You nodded, watching your food spin in the microwave and debating whether it would be better for your mental health to be alone or seek out company, even if the only company to be had was Loki. The god seemed to let the subject drop, as he stayed quiet as you sat down at the counter to eat your food. It wasn’t until you’d washed your plate and turned around that you noticed him watching you intently over the back of the sofa.  
“You never react,” Loki said suddenly.  
“What?” you asked, realizing that those were the first words he’d spoken to you that weren’t an insult or a goading comment.  
“No matter what I say, no matter how I insult you, you don’t react,” he said, “The others got angry, especially at the beginning, or else they would talk back. You don’t do that. In fact, you don’t seem to have any reaction at all to my comments. Why? Why aren’t you angry?”  
“Because everything you say is true.” You state it as a fact, with no hint of anger, shrugging like the comment was completely insignificant. Loki’s eyes narrowed, but he didn’t respond, so you took your pills and went back to your quarters to binge on Netflix.  
Over the next week, Loki was unusually quiet and didn’t say a single word to you. Even the rest of the Avengers noticed, and some of them had asked you what you’d done to make him stop. You replied honestly that you had no idea. Each day that went by without Loki insulting you made you feel a little lighter and made it a little easier to believe the compliments from your friends. There were still bad days, but they were easier to handle. Still, you felt like you were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sure enough, after eight days you found another note in the kitchen telling you that the Avengers had been summoned and that they would be back later that evening. This time, Loki was in the kitchen. He was sat at the bar and seemed to be waiting for you. You put two pieces of bread in the toaster and some bacon in the microwave, and took your meds while they cooked. Once everything was on your plate, Loki finally spoke up.  
“I’ve been doing some research,” he said. You hummed in response. “Did you know that I’d never read the files on your team?”  
“Really?” That seemed like the first thing Loki would do.  
“It didn’t seem necessary. I thought I knew everything I needed to know about the Avengers. It appears that I was wrong.”  
“How did you figure that out?” you asked, half listening as you plucked an orange from a bowl and began to peel it.  
“I read your file.” That got your attention. “There were certain words and phrases, concepts that I was unfamiliar with. I have spent the past while researching them.”  
He watched you watch him, the orange forgotten for the moment, before continuing.  
“For example, the word depression. In Asgard, that word is used to describe a spot that is lower than the surrounding area. Midgardians also use the word in that way, I gather. But on Midgard there is a second meaning to that word, assigned to a concept that is alien to Asgard.”  
“Lucky them,” you said, but Loki shook his head.  
“No, I do not believe so. Although the concept is foreign, Asgardian physiology, including the brain, is not so different from that of humans. As such, I believe that there are people in Asgard who suffer from depression, as you know it. The difference is that in addition to giving this disorder a name, Midgardians have found ways to manage it, while the depressed in Asgard have no such treatment.  
“There was another word in your file that was unknown to me,” Loki said, watching you carefully to see your reaction. “Suicide.”  
“Of course that would be in my file,” you muttered, mostly to yourself. It was a dark time in your life, and although you would never deny that it happened, it was far from the most comfortable subject to discuss. Why did he have to bring it up?  
“I bring that up,” said Loki, reading either your expression or your mind, “because I have seen you interact with the others. I’ve been privy to their conversations, both with you and about you, but none of them have put into words a truth that is best laid out plainly, a truth that you deserve to know." He paused, probably for effect. "Y/N, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You are far stronger than even my brother, stronger than any warrior of Asgard. Their battles, while great, are purely physical. They can be won with fists and weapons, and the same basic approach is used for every villain. You, Y/N, have fought to live when your very being was trying to kill you. This depression is an insidious, untiring thing, and all you have to counter it are small pills and your own will, and you fight every single day. You are truly remarkable.”  
As Loki spoke, you stared, open-mouthed, at the god who had tortured you from your first meeting, who degraded you, insulted you, who tore you down each time you felt like you had finally climbed above the sadness. This god, whom you’ve always suspected had depression, who you thought must know what you were going through, but who didn’t seem to care. All of a sudden, from the last place you would expect it, you were being recognized for what you had gone through, were still going through, and it made tears swell in your eyes. When he finished talking the only thing you could think to say was a quiet, “Thank you.”  
Loki nodded and looked away, breaking the heavy air, and leaned against the counter. You cleaned up after your breakfast and decided to relax in the sitting room with a book, taking the orange with you to eat as you read. Before you could move away, though, Loki said one more thing.  
“You also need to know that none of the cruel things I said to you before were true, in any way. I apologize for my behavior.”  
“Thank you, Loki,” you said. It was more than you ever thought to hear from the Trickster, especially the apology. Although he spoke quietly and with confidence, the way he watched you from the corner of his eyes betrayed his insecurity. He truly was sorry, you could feel that, and he'd had his good intentions thrown back in his face enough times to be fearful of your response. It was enough to make you let down your guard, just this once, and show him what you felt in that moment: gratefulness, surprise, happiness, and something that hinted at the beginning of friendship. “Thank you.”


End file.
